Severus Snape and the Sexy Man Pants
by thetwinspartner-in-pranks
Summary: Yes, well this is a parody about Harry Potter. Actually it is the real story of Harry Potter. Anyway this is the story of LGHP and the very lusted after Severus Snape, who is actually the main character. Be warned: not for the faint at heart.
1. Author Notes

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Greeting and salutations my dearest darling readers! Yes, it is I, your beloved author thetwinspartner-in-pranks. This next fic that I shall be writing –

Rafael55: What are you doing?! You bitch you said I could help too. What is all this "I" and "author" singular?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Shutup! I said you could help, not get credit for your help!

Rafael55: No need to be so snippy. I was just saying-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: SHUTUP! Can we please get back to the fabulousness that is my story?

Rafael55: What about Voldemort? You didn't do Voldemort. He was mine.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: One that sounded really bad. (For those of you who picked up on that right away and/or you live in the gutter we welcome you. You will be staying here for a very long time. While you are here, don't forget to pay your rent to my friend Jack. He _owns_ the gutter. For those of you who are innocent, like Rafael55 here, and totally don't get those jokes, never fear. You will learn…) Two, the readers don't even know what you are talking about!

Rafael55: Damnit. Well, can I explain it? Huh, huh, can I? Pleeeeeeeaaaassssee?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Fine. Twit.

Rafael55: Well, this is a story about a girl and her foot-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: What are you talking about? That's not even close to the story.

Rafael55: How do you know? You weren't there!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.

Rafael55: Is that a challenge?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: What you want some of this?

Rafael55: You want some of this? Come on, bring it, bizich!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: You wanna take this outside?

Rafael55: Well… it's raining. And I just got these leather shoes. You know what water does to leather.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: True. Anyway, would you like to continue explaining the story?

Rafael55: Sure. So, this is a very serious, very intense, very angsty, very depressing, horroriablly horrific, terrifying, disturbing, not for the faint of heart…

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: stares and wonders how on earth she met this freak

Rafael55: Bwahahaha!!! Anime maniacal laughter!!!!!!!!!!! This is so cool.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Just get on with it. Tell them about the story.

Rafael55: Wait, I thought I was telling them about Voldemort. I don't even know what we are doing anymore!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Get over yourself and tell them about the damn story!

Rafael55: Fine. Big meany. Ahem. Yes, well this is a parody about Harry Potter. Actually it is the real story of Harry Potter. You see J.K. Rowling (yes we know she is a goddess) changed a few minor-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Major-

Rafael55: Well I didn't want to insult the goddess. Fans might kill us.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Whatever.

Rafael55: You see J.K. Rowling changed a few points in the real tale of Harry Potter to make it more appealing to the youngings.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: How I loath little children…

Rafael55: They are rather sticky. Anyway this is the story of LGHP and the very lusted after Severus Snape, who is actually the main character. But J.K. Rowling couldn't name a book something like _Severus Snape and the Sexy Man Pants_. He's just too sexy for that. And it might be dubbed a porno.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I concure. For those of you who don't know what LGHP stands for, it will be revealed at a later date. In a later chapter. Later. As in, not now.

Rafael55: So, LGHP stands for-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I SAID LATER!!! NOT NOW. Don't make me get the gag.

Rafael55: AAHH! Assault! Help me she's attacking me!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Ignoring the flailing Rafael55 So. Basically our coughcough_my_coughcough-

Rafael55: Our! It's our story.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Fine. Our story is centered around the singular sensation that is Severus Snape (oooh, lots of s's). In other words, this is the real story of what really happened at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Rafael55: clap clap YaY!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: What's up with the upper case "y"?

Rafael55: You don't know what your talking about. I will type however I want!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Looks away from Rafael55 So are you intrigued? Slightly interested? FACINATED!? Then read on!

Rafael55: Or at least tune for the actual story.

Both: CHEERS!


	2. Chapter One

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Okay, yay, we have finally started the story!

Rafael55: Hey, can I help? Please? Can I do something.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Uh, yeah, you can go sit in a corner and drink some soda.

Rafael55: But… I'm not supposed to drink soda.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I don't care! Can't you see that I'm talking to the readers (who really need to start preparing some wicked awesome reviews!)?

Rafael55: I-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Just go drink the stupid soda!

Rafael55: Okay. walks to corner with a can of soda

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: As I was saying before, we have actually started writing the story. And here to help us- looks at Rafael55 who is chugging her can of soda _me_ introduce the story, is Professor Snape.

Snape: Who the hell are you?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I'm your writer. Know me. Love me. Fear me!

Snape: Right. Who's the freak in the corner with the soda?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: That? I can't even talk about that right now.

Snape: Hn.

Rafael55: SODA!!!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Well, I invited you here so you could have the honor of announcing the first disclaimer!

Snape: Why would I want to do that?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Because I own you! Do the damn disclaimer bizich!

Snape: One, you don't own anything. Especially me. Two, what is a "bizich?" And three, 5,000 points from- which house are you in?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Uhm, Slytherin?

Snape: Damn it.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Will you say the disclaimer? For me!

Snape: Whatever. These two, things, don't own anything, except the plot and the disturbed antics that occur in it. There are you happy?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Yes!

Rafael55: SODA! Do you likey da soda? I likey da soda! I have chibi soda!

Snape: What the hell…

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: What is chibi soda fool?! Never mind. I really don't think I want to know. Let's just get on with the story.

Chapter One: First Impressions Always Make A Difference!

_Flashback_ (A/N: Don't you love starting with flashbacks? SODA! Rafael, shutup!)

_Severus Snape sat at his desk and began to grade the pathetic papers that had been passed in by the 7th year potions class. _Dear God. Do I really suck that much as a teacher, or are they really that incompetent? _He read the next line of a Hufflepuff's essay._ Yes they really are that incompetent.

_Suddenly, the classroom door burst open. The figure in the doorway paused for a moment before slowly walking towards Snape's desk. Not really caring who was walking towards him, and hoping only that they would go away quickly, Snape bent his head down over the parchment and pretended to be intrigued with the essay. _(A/N part two: Of course this would never happen and he was really thinking about what he was going to eat for lunch.) _The figure was not fooled, and meandered closer to the desk. Finally after five minute of awkward silence, the figure cleared its throat. Realizing whoever it was would not be going away anytime soon Snape snapped his head up and demanded, "Yes, what do you want?"_

"_I'm sorry to disturb your work Professor, I just needed to tell you something. I… I… I think- I…"_

"_Out with it damnit!" shouted Snape, furious that he had been disturbed._

"_I THINK I LOVE YOU!"_

_Snape paused for a moment before running to the door to check and see if anyone had heard this embarrassing display of emotions. After ensuring that the corridor was empty, the words began to sink in._

"_You WHAT?!?"_

End Flashback 

It was the year 1990 (A/N part three: If any of you awesome readers know what year it was when Harry first went to Hogwarts, message thetwinspartner-in-pranks and let us know so we can correct the problem). Severus Snape sat at the head table, wishing he had consumed some Firewhiskey before leaving his chambers. Merlin knows that he was going to need it in order to survive the sorting ceremony. How he loathed seeing all of the new failures come in one by one with such hopeful looks in their eyes.

The doors of the Great Hall creaked open and a stream of first years, lead by Professor McGonagall, walked in. _There's that damn hope again_, thought Snape bitterly.

As the students walked toward the Sorting Hat, Snape began predicting who would be in which house. _Well, that fat one over there must be going into Hufflepuff. Ah, yes, there is Lucius' son, Draco. Naturally he will be in Slytherin. What on earth is a black mop doing- oh damn. Damn, damn, DAMN! That must be the Potter boy. Shit, he looks just like James "pig-headed" Potter. Well, I'll just have to ensure that he suffers till graduation. And who is that beside him? Red hair, tall and gangly… eating some unknown substance from a tube. A Pixy Stick? Oh no, not another Weasley! Merlin, now he's twitching. Never mind Severus, just look away. Oh, look a walking shrub. Now that's not something you see everyday. Wait, that's a girl under that shrub. Ah! Look at those ridiculously large teeth! It's like a deranged beaver. It's a wonder they can fit in her head at all! Oh, God, the Sorting is starting._

As the names were called one by one, Snape began to doze off. Suddenly he heard, "Potter, Harry." Snape's head whipped up as the Great Hall fell silent. Snape glared at the Potter-boy. _If he is sorted into Slytherin, I swear on Merlin's beard that I will jump off of the Astronomy Tower with lead weights tied to my ankles._

Harry moved slowly up to the platform before him. As he moved towards the stool in front of him he could feel the eyes of every person on him. One set in particular seemed to bore into his very being, but he was too nervous to notice at that moment, and sat down on the rotting stool, awaiting judgment.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Did you love it!?! I bet you did!

Snape: No. That was horrifying. Who walked into my office?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I'm not going to tell you. It's a surprise!

Rafael55: SODA!!! I likey da soda! Soda goooooooood.

Snape: Dear god, has she been drinking soda this whole time?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: I, I think so. Oh no.

Rafael55: falls to the floor and starts twitching

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Rafael55 how much soda have you had to drink?

Rafael55: SODA??!?! I love soda! It is like a rainbow for your mouth!!! WEEEeeeeEEEEeeeeEe!

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Ummmm…ok...Snape, would you get me the tranquilizers please?

Snape: Fine, but only because she is starting to really freak me out.

Rafael55: Do you likey soda Sevie Wevie? Chibi Sevie does. Pulls out chibi doll of Snape I LOVE CHIBI!!!

Snape: ……That is really creepy…..A single or double dose?

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Looks over at Rafael55 talking to bottle of soda Double.

Walks over to Rafael55 Hey, look what I got.

Rafael55: OOOoooOOOOOoOoOoOOo!!! It so shiny.

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Yeah….shiny…..sticks Rafael55 with shot

Rafael55: OW! …..oh…I….lIkeY….da cHiBiiisssss……mmmmm…soodaaaa……falls asleep

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Well that was weird. See you next time.

Snape: About that, this is getting a bit weird and I don't think I'll be bac-

Thetwinspartner-in-pranks: sticks Snape with tranquilizer Like I said we will _all_ see you next time.


	3. I Will Survive!

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: WE LIIIIIIIVVVE! Viva La Authors!

Snape: Bloody Hell.

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Yes you all know that you missed us! Well, Rafael is not here at the moment and we really should give all of you fab readers something to do. So here it is: A Super-Special Survey!!!

1 )Do you know how many days there are until HP #7 is released? Yes or No.

2) Is Severus Snape good or evil?

3) Who will die in #7?

4) Is this story amazing? Yes or No.

5) Is this story funny? Yes or No.

6) Should we continue writing said story? Yes or No.

7) How did you find the story?

8) Will you send your results of this survey to thetwinspartner-in-pranks? Yes (you only get one option).

9) Did you have a good spring break?

10) Is the HP GW pairing any good? Yes or No.

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Rafael and I will be updating ASAP. But you know, life happens. Or is it shit happens?

Snape: In my case, it's shit happens.

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Yes, well, enjoy life and you'll hear from us sometime before you all die!

Snape: Aren't you forgetting something?

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Mist! (German cuss word). I forgot the disclaimer. Will you do the honors?

Snape: …… What do you think?

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: Uhm. YES!

Snape: This idiot and her idiot friend do not own Harry Potter or anything relating to something written by JKR. Get me the Hell out of here. Now.

thetwinspartner-in-pranks: There you have it! One strange update! Lots of hugs, cookies, brownies, thankies, and shoutouts to those of you who actually send your results to me! We'll post some of the answers on the next update! Bye.


	4. Chapter Two

Results from Super-Special Survey!!!

JazzaAckles

1 )Do you know how many days there are until HP #7 is released? Yes or No.

Yes, it's like 96, 97, depends what time it is at the moment.

2) Is Severus Snape good or evil?

Whoo! Fence sittinf rocks! But it hurts.

3) Who will die in #7?

Harry and Voldemort. Can't tell ya anything else.

4) Is this story amazing? Yes or No. Yes

5) Is this story funny? Yes or No. Yes

6) Should we continue writing said story? Yes or No. Yes

7) How did you find the story? Well, it's only just started, so yeah.

8) Will you send your results of this survey to thetwinspartner-in-pranks? Yes (you only get one option). Guess it's yes.

9) Did you have a good spring break?

I don't do spring break. I'm Australian

10) Is the HP GW pairing any good? Yes or No. Hm, meh. shrugs

Havah Kinny

1 ) Do you know how many days there are until HP #7 is released? Yes or No. - NO

2) Is Severus Snape good or evil? - GOOD

3) Who will die in #7? - HARRY! AT LEAST HE BETTER!

4) Is this story amazing? Yes or No. - HELL YES!

5) Is this story funny? Yes or No. - HELL YES!

6) Should we continue writing said story? Yes or No. - HELL YES!

7) How did you find the story? - A FRIEND!

8) Will you send your results of this survey to thetwinspartner-in-pranks? Yes (you only get one option). - UH, BY THE TIME YOU GET THIS, YOU;LL KNOW THE ANSWER!

9) Did you have a good spring break? - YES

10) Is the HP GW pairing any good? Yes or No. - NO!

_Flashback: __Harry moved slowly up to the platform before him. As he moved towards the stool in front of him he could feel the eyes of every person on him. One set in particular seemed to bore into his very being, but he was too nervous to notice at that moment, and sat down on the rotting stool, awaiting judgment._

All at once the Sorting Hat opened it's mouth and began to speak. However, Harry soon realized that it was not speaking in his head. Oh, no, it was speaking out loud. In a thick. Drunken. Scottish. Accent.

"Hello laddy. My goodness, you've got a dirty mind for such a young boy. Actually, you're a bit of a girl, really."

Harry turned bight red in embarrassment. _Could you please talk inside my head? This is really embarrassing._

"And he picks his nose too! What a disgusting lassie-lad! Wait, I'm supposed to be sorting ya aren't I? Well, you're too much of a pansy to be in Slytherin. And you're too much of a dumb-ass to be in Ravenclaw. And you're too much of a scrawny little chicken lassie to be Griffendor. Well, I guess that only leaves-"

"NO! NO, PLEASE NO! THEY'RE ALL FREAKS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LIKE?!? I DIDN'T THINK SO!"

Naturally, this insulted all of the Hufflepuffs and gave them even more reason to hate him.

"Well, laddy you leave me no choice. You must spin the Mystical House Wheel to decide your fate."

As if by magic (imagine that!) the Mystical House Wheel appeared before Harry.

"Well go on, give it a whirl."

Harry spun the wheel for all he was worth and squeezed his eyes shut, all the while praying that he wouldn't be placed in Hufflepuff.

"You got lucky today laddy. Looks like your in Griffendor. Pansy"

"Actually, it's Potter."

"Whatever. Just get off my stool lassie. I mean laddy."

All through this, Severus sat at the Head Table, praying to what ever gods were up there listening, that Potter wouldn't end up in Slytherin. _Thank God. He's in Griffendor._

Harry ran frantically over to the Griffendor table where he was imedialty shunned and labeled as the resident freak. However that all changed when Longbottom was placed in Griffendor (A/N: We never said they were going in alphabetical order, so back off!).

Eventually, people began to disperse to their respective houses. Except for the Griffendors. They stayed. Two lone and extremely attractive figures made their way up to the Head Table. Upon their arrival, they turned round and were instantly surrounded by hundreds of floating cakes. Yes, it was the Cake Gods (ie Fred and George).

"As the designated Cake Gods of Hogwarts, we have declared a whole house party celebrating the start of a new year and the fresh meat… we mean first years. And so, enjoy!"

As the party went on, things got more and more out of control. Especially for Ron Weasely who was consuming a different form of sugar and/or caffeine every 30 seconds. It just so happened, that at this moment, he had discovered the Muggle invention of Baja chips and condiment chip toppings.

It also so happened that Severus had just realized that he had left is mass amount of coffee in the Great Hall. Obviously, he would die without his coffee, so he immediately turned back to the Great Hall to retrieve it. When he walked in the door, he was promptly hit with some unknown substance.

"Fly my Baja Chips of Doom!" screamed Ron.

"What. The. Fuck." said Snape.

At that moment, all movement ceased except for Ron who was still wildly twitching about. Severus calmly scooped the Baja Chips still sticking to his favorite black robes, and slowly walked toward Ron. Ron, not noticing his danger, kept twitching madly.

"EAT THE CHIPS YOU LOVE SO MUCH!" Severus yelled as he snatched Ron into a headlock and proceeded to shove the chips that ruined his favorite robes down Ron's throat.

All at once Albus Dumbldore walked in with a cheerful smile on his face.

"Good afternoon Severus. Good to see you are bonding with the new students." He said cheerful to the enraged potions master.

"Dumbledore…." Muttered Snape, irritated that his torturing of the young red-headed boy had to come to an end. Snape dropped Ron to the ground and snatched up his coffee before following the Headmaster out of the Great Hall. Leaving Ron to choke spastically on the ground.

Meanwhile the Cake gods decided that this would be an excellent time to begin a food fight.

"Food Fight!" They yelled in unison spying their perfect targets and throwing the first fist-fulls of cake. These targets, also known as Hufflepuff first years, stood frightened and confused in the corner of the Great Hall. They had ended up there by mistake and were about to become buried alive in various forms of cake. This was only the beginning of their trials.

PS: If you have any desire to flame us, flame us well (examples and details to come).


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